While cultural pressure on women — to look a certain way, to act a certain way — can be easier to see, men feel it, too. So much so, in fact, that it can take a significant toll on their mental health.
Much of the pressure men feel revolves around the notion of male competency. Where women are often judged for their external beauty, men are often judged for their ability to accomplish.
Accomplish what, you may ask? Nearly anything, but one of the most common ways this belief manifests is around tasks. Can you change a tire, fix an engine, hold a job, or attract a mate? For every no, your socially perceived manliness decreases.
As a man, your competency is often measured by your ability to contribute and interact with society. So the less value you provide or demonstrate to others, the less intrinsic value you are seen to possess.
Escaping the Competency Trap
If you’re constantly being told you’re not measuring up to society’s expectations, it’s natural to feel shame or even despair. That’s when you need to tell society to shove it and seek the help you need.
Begin by opening up to a friend, family member, or other loved one to get a reprieve from your negative self-talk. Seek out therapy for its ability to unravel the web of thoughts within your head. Consider mental health rehab for a more comprehensive treatment if you’re facing acute depression. There are many avenues of relief if you are willing to seek them.
As a man, it’s crucial for you to understand some of the harmful beliefs society holds about you. It’s very likely that they may be placing ambient but constant pressure on your shoulders every day. Even now you are, to some degree, continuously shaped by social forces acting upon you. In order to fight against them, read on to learn about three ways cultural pressure affects male mental health for the worse.
1. Men Are Stigmatized for Seeking Help
If you are competent, it means you are able to achieve the things you set out to accomplish. If you are able to achieve the things you set out to accomplish, why would you ever need help?
This is one of the toxic narratives that prevents men from seeking the help they need. The reality is that men are human (read: flawed, imperfect, lacking by nature) just as anyone else is. Therefore it’s only normal that men need help from time to time.
Yet there is a prevailing cultural throughline that men are supposed to achieve their own agency, to be the “self-made man.” Think of the rancher, the startup founder, the powerful corporate exec who clawed and climbed his way to the top. Such men supposedly need nothing from anybody because they are entirely self-sufficient.
Thankfully, some iconic bastions of traditional masculinity, such as Arnold Schwarzenegger, have begun to speak out against this illusion. Schwarzenegger has pulled back the curtain on his own success so others can see the self-made man for exactly what it is: a fantasy.
2. Men Are Encouraged to Suppress Their Emotions
Somewhere along the way, society adopted the idea that one of the only acceptable forms of emotional expression for men is anger. Perhaps it’s due to years of action heroes depicted in film. Perhaps it’s because of the true fortitude it does take to act during times of crisis.
However, the reality is that men do feel, and feel deeply. And the longer those feelings are suppressed, the more destructive they become.
Repressed feelings, whether they be sad or joyous, stay in the body. They change and warp over time into internal, emotional, and hormonal stressors. Those destructive feelings may manifest outwardly toward others in violence, aggression, or hatred. Or they may manifest inward toward yourself in the form of substance abuse, self-harm, or suicide.
You deserve to feel the full range of your emotions, just as any human does. Whether that requires therapy, introspection, meditation, yoga, or art — find an outlet that works for you. It can make a more meaningful difference than you may realize.
3. Men Are Expected to Be Extroverts
On the flip side, men are also expected to be outgoing. This may perhaps be a more recent cultural development due to the modern prevalence of business culture. In business, networking is king, after all.
When you imagine a typical male CEO, what image comes to mind? Is he a shy, soft-spoken, well-read art enthusiast? Or is he a confident, outgoing, power-suit-wearing, quick-quipping Harvey Specter type?
Just as Specter demonstrates throughout the series “Suits,” excessive extroversion can lead to toxic masculinity. That’s the kind of masculinity that disrespects the agency of others in order to validate its insecure self.
This kind of masculinity is toxic because it finds, displays, and exacerbates the insecurities of others to feed itself. In fact, it’s the very same thing that leads to the stigmatization of help-seeking and emotional expression.
So just because you are a man does not mean you need to be extroverted. And don’t let society pressure you into believing otherwise.
Bucking the Cultural System
When men feel judged for a lack of competency, they often retreat emotionally and don’t seek help when they need it. In turn, they turn to excessive outward displays of masculinity. You know them: the gas-guzzling pickup drivers, no-excuses CEOs, and keg-chugging frat boys of the world.
What all these toxic male archetypes have in common is insecurity. And that insecurity is something that could be addressed by doing the very things that society pressures them not to.
So if you’re struggling with your own sense of competency, consider how these prevailing narratives may be affecting you. Create a strong social support group with people who you can trust will accept you, flaws and all. Because you’re worth loving, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
